I made a decision today. It came with a great struggle and even now, now that I've both made and solidified the decision, I don't feel the same release and ease that final decisions usually leave me with.
After Ghana I'm giving the next 6 months of my life to Beaver Falls, NY. I will be here, and not just be here, but really, truly be here. All of me. Knowing what I know now, that leaves me unsettled inside, on-edge, anxious. I am full of anticipation, full of questions, and I wonder.. I wonder what He will do, what He will require of me, what He will pull out of me and stir inside of me, how He will break me, how He will stretch me, what His heart for this place will feel like resting inside of mine. I wonder what these winds will smell like, what this air will do to my skin- how it will weather me, season me. I wonder how my understanding of Love will change, how my perception of God will expand, grow, re-shape; what particular movements will grip my heart and stir my soul. I wonder how His Spirit will penetrate my spirit here; how the atmosphere will change me. I wonder who I'll be in September.. and how that person will come to be.
I expect to be challenged and I expect to grow. I refuse to remain the same.
So here I am, God. I'm taking a chance. I'm letting go of what I want for right now. Here are my hands, here is my heart, here I am. It's not much, but I'm trusting it's enough for You.. and all I really want is to be something to You..
"wherever you are, be all there;
live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God."
here we go.