After four days of living out of a car and sleeping in whatever bed/couch was closest, it can now be confirmed:
I am a wanderer by nature. It is in me; it is a very, very deep part of me. I can't escape it.
It just is.
I will wear my clothes all day, sleep in them, and start the next day the very same way. I will eat marshmallows roasted over the kitchen stove at midnight, and call them dinner. I will sleep on your couch, even if I barely know you. I will wander calmly through cities I do not know. I will brush my teeth in McDonald's bathrooms. I will shower at campgrounds. I will buy last week's Thomas bagels for half-price. I will fill up my water bottle at rest stops. I will paint my face in the dark. I will wrap myself in my ripped-up, aging patchwork quilt. I will knot strings around my wrists.
And I will be very, very alive.
Last night while sitting next to a fountain in downtown Syracuse a friend asked me where I saw myself. I tilted my head questioningly.
"like, where do you see yourself living? Do you want to live in a city, in a suburb, in the country, in Africa? Where do you want to spend your life?"
I can't answer that question unless "all of the above, plus lists and lists more" is an option. I don't want to spend my life in any one place. I don't have a dream home all perfectly structured in my mind or a certain place I want to settle down and raise my kids and establish my life...la la la.. It's nearly impossible for me to even think like that. I want to go places. I want to fall in love with a zillion people and places. I want to learn heaps and heaps from every unique, challenging situation I am in. I want my life to be such that every time I think I've figured something out, I experience something new that tears up what little I had thought I knew; to be constantly re-shaped as I am constantly re-evaluating; continually uncomfortable. Always shifting and becoming. I have no desire to just be.
It was nice to sit with someone who felt the same way. For those five hours I felt, dare-I-say, normal. And even beyond normal, I felt exceptional. I felt beautiful. I felt like I had something worth having. I felt, I honest-to-goodness felt as though what was stirring within me was what it's going to take to change the world.
To change the world you must believe in the Possibile more than you believe any of the limitations, regulations, or systems that convince us there is such a thing as "impossible". You must be willing to look rediculous. You must be willing to go without. You must be willing to fail. You must be willing to let go.
And you must know what it means to Love.
Four days sleeping in four different places
and I feel better than I've felt in a long time. It's deep inside me, which is exactly how I believe it should be.