The last three days have led me to a place more real than the most real places I had known before. Nothing "happened", but oh.. something is happening.. something that's been a long time in coming, something I've been smelling and sensing and longing for but refusing to let in, something I've known existed but haven't been able to relax enough to allow my inner-being to access and explore.
My insides feel soft, but it's different than the soft of the past. I feel soft as in surrendered, soft as in helpless, which has led to honesty, soft as in broken to the point of wholeness. I have been awakened to a deeper revelation of truth.
And all I want is to sit here with my Maker and absorb it.. more and more and more.. because I know there's so much more.
I'm reaching for wholeheartedness. I think that's what I've been doing all along, only I've grown confused by the many pulls on my heart that have taken me in a dozen different directions, asking me for my entire life. There are so many things I would give my life for. So many people and so many places that deserve every ounce my being, and more. But my God.. all He really wants is my whole heart. And He wants it for Himself. If I could accomplish one thing in this life it would be this: to follow hard after the very heartbeat of Jesus Christ Himself.. with abandonment.. with my whole heart; to feel His heart beat every day.
Me, with my ear pressed to His chest.
Me, with my small arms wrapped about His neck.
I have a new respect for His presence and His Spirit; a new sense of Holiness and what it means to walk into a place where He rests. His Beauty, His Goodness, His Righteousness, His Grace, His love - it's Holy, as I am not. But He makes me Beautiful, He makes me Good, He makes me Righteous, He calls me Beloved..
This Holiness that so far outweighs my filth takes all words from my tongue. I have nothing left to say, only to ask Him to feel this heart.. feel this heart as it feels the weight of Your Glory, for I am so small here with You and yet I feel a queen in the most desirable, majestic Kingdom.
My King, My King..
And the world rushes on, but finally, finally I can stand and say No World, No Pressure, you can't have me. Because I'm going somewhere amazing with the Creator of the Universe. He's captaining a ship that's about to brave some crazy waters, and I'm on board. I'm looking out at the sea, taking in the danger, the excitement, the beauty, the vastness, the mystery, the possibility, and all I feel is peace and assurance. He has me, hah!
He Has Me.