September 30, 2009

Goodbye September!

Today America paid me .55/mile and $12.25/hour to drive 220 miles (6 hours) through the heart of the Adirondack park. Needless to say, it was absolutely beautiful. The Grace Mobile only had one minor malfunction. So minor, in fact, that I don't have any idea what went wrong. She decided to reverse when trying to pull out of a parking spot rather than "Drive" as I so commanded her. After a short, sweet pep-talk she was back to her normal rumbling self. If that's the worst she does, we'll be just fine.

I have increasing confidence in three things after todays rendezvous:

Grace just might be the ship after all.
I may not go entirely nuts sitting still in cramped quarters for long trecks across states.. as long as there's something refreshing to look at.
Right turn or wrong turn, I'm going to make it.

p.s. it snowed today in old forge. Large Fluffy Flakes Laughed at me for ten minutes straight.
I daresay, it's finally starting to seem like the right season.

September 28, 2009

As Of Today:

My AmeriCorps NCCC application's status has upgraded to "Under Review". (Eight weeks ago I gave up all hope of ever hearing back from them.) Doesn't this just add a little color to the spectrum of life!

I am a registered Couch Surfer. Try not to be too jealous.

I feel organized? [strange.]

There is a deep inner peace. Because once again I thought I could plan something on my own only to find that, believe it or not, I could not. Life seldom goes as planned.

September 27, 2009


I am officially a WWOOF member until September 28, 2010.

Bring it on, America.

September 25, 2009

My hands are cold.

I feel like I missed a season somewhere. Really, I have no desire to be melodramatic about this or make it into some deep metaphorical reflection of time spent and time lost and la la la, which is why I've been hesitant to allow myself to acknowledge this "feeling", but it keeps popping up in my thoughts. When I see the changing leaves and feel the burning fall air I am perplexed. Even as I stare at the colorful trees I am generally so eager to welcome and bundle up in the fantastic layers I anticipate pulling out every year, I feel so thrown off; I missed a season somewhere.
Maybe it has something to do with the shortage of hot summer days, or the fact that I no longer have the academic year with which to map out my months, or the fact that my day-to-day life has been all over the map (literally) these past nine months. Like I said, the thought of making this any deeper than it needs to be actually makes me feel a little sick.. but even metaphorically, have I missed a season?? Did I miss something I was supposed to do? Learn? Experience? Did I miss some great moment that was supposed to be a part of my life?

I missed something. Not because I was too busy, but because I was unaware. That's a really nauseating feeling.

September 24, 2009

These Three Things




I will expound upon them later. For now, I just had to write them down.

September 20, 2009


I don't believe I've ever felt so out of control yet so controlled.

The ship sails in 40 days! What the "ship" will look like and where she will be going are yet to be determined. But I've discovered something wonderful, and that is that I must go. The thought of driving through my country (my country..) with no place to be and no time to have to be anywhere.. the thought of paying my bills three months in advance, grabbing my passport (nothing is out of the question for this one) from the safe, filling my duffel bags with the fewest of items I might need for the journey (a girl needs a good sweater, some trustworthy spandex pants and alpaca mittens, for sure), stocking the ship (oh, I can't wait to name her!) with bulgur, wheat berries, beans, granola..

We will have a tent. We will have We will have our books of empty pages. We will have Spanish tutorials and tapes. We will have maps (sorry GPS, you didn't win the battle for this heart). We will have hiking shoes, a video camera, sleeping bags, flashlights, and matches.

We will have time. Finally, we will have time.

It must be divine. There's no "I hope" in that. It must be divine. Every encounter, every conversation, every experience, every "wrong" way. All it would take is one conversation and I could be on my way towards something I've been holding out for, believing for (sometimes without realizing it) for what seems like a long time.

It's a little rediculous. But,

1. I need to know my country.
2. I want to find within myself a love my country that I have yet to experience.
3. I need to let this person I've discovered find out what it's here for without any specific people or place or group influencing that.
4. Jesus Christ is alive and he's moving.. I saw him in such color in Ghana, but I have to believe he's shining here too, and I want to see it.. to be a part of THE body of Christ, not just one segment of it, as it is functioning across denominations here in America.
5. It's time to give and time to take. I'll leave pieces of this heart along the way, but I'm taking pieces of others' with me as I go.

*6. In the morning when I awake I have this odd feeling that I'm not waking up in the right place. Not that it's the wrong place, but it's not the right place. I'm going to find the right place. I can no longer wait here and beckon for it to come to me.

There are moments when I panic a little. The reality of it is that there will be cold nights, days where we're filthy, hungry. The boat may break down. The people may turn their backs. The people of God may disappoint me. The maps may take us down roads we never wanted or expected to travel.
Which is why this whole darn thing needs to be divine. It has to be. Because every day that passes is another day that could have been changing someone's life, filling someone's stomach, clothing someone's back, nursing someone's wounds. Every day I'm here is another day I'm not there. And while these days sometimes seem long, they're going by all too fast. I need to get there. I need to be sitting in the dirt surrounded by dark, dusty faces. I need to be carrying hope in action to a world deprived of even the smallest of necessities.
[ignorance really was bliss.]

Across America I want to find love. I want to find people who want exactly what I want and who are willing to work for it as we find a way to do something about it.
But I need to know my own country first. I refuse to leave America resentful of what I had here. I need to be humbled and grateful, and the ugly truth is that I'm not.

And I need time to slow down so I can breathe this crisp, fresh air and let the changes it makes sink deep into my being.

(jack kerouac,
you've driven me mad!
for this i am grateful.)

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