January 21, 2009

let's go creek-stomping*

Life is never what I expect, never what I plan for, never what I anticipate or hope for. Sometimes it's more, sometimes it's less, but always it is. It just is, and I need to just let go and let it be.

I want to escape the world of money and power that builds injustice and distrust. I can't, which means I need to find life beyond those things if I am to ever be alive, if I am to ever be entirely free.

It's one thing to feel free inside and another to walk through the pressures of life in that same freedom. Sometimes when I sit beside a campfire, pine needles and dirt sticking to my wet feet after a recent creek-stomp , flames burning my eyelids, light laughter meeting my ears as family and friends chat easily, wind-chimes bumping one another in the breeze, I forget about my bank account, forget about my body, forget about my education, forget about the past, forget about the future, and I am free, both inside and out.

I dream of my lilly pad,
the one with enough room for me
and You; where nothing dulls my senses or keeps my spirit from moving the way it was meant to..

"where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom" 2 cor. 3:17

January 14, 2009

Thank you, public health =)

one of the most colorful, brilliant people i know is in manila (philipines) right. now. for two MONTHS! it makes me want to go run around with cameras to our faces, snapping shots of stray dogs and fruit trees and little boys in rags. if i was there, of course.

i got five shots today, three in my left arm, two in my right. let's just say i won't be praising the lord with quite the same enthusiasm as usual for the next couple days haha!

yellow fever- $95
hep. A- $30
polio- $35
flu- $30
typhoid- $65

malaria pills- $175

(my goodness, saving the world is expensive!)

but i believe..
ooo goodness, i believe!

**thousands of other thoughts which i will spare you all**

January 9, 2009

Your love makes it worth it all*

The land of Remember When
reminds me of what used to be.

midnight meanderings on the railroad tracks,
sunrises after sleepless, heart-felt nights,
cold noses beneath clear, star-speckled skies,
campfires on couches in the snow,

that pool ball in the wall.

her mother's calling hours, his funeral, his funeral, his funeral.

living the line between heaven
and hell. begging, pleading for a thinner veil,
an unleashing, a drenching..

with dozens and dozens
of naive, ignorant, passionate,
over-zealous, hungry kids
just like me.

kids who said they would do anything.
kids who said they would go anywhere.
kids who said this was it, this was forever.

I look around now, here in the land of Remember When, and very little is as it once was. I don't understand, save this one thing:

This life is a war.

(There are no short-cuts.There are no easy-way-outs.We fight. Every single one of us, every single day. As for why some make it and some don't, I've been at a loss. We grew up in the same thing, the same rediculous move of God that we all, all 80.. 90 of us, took for granted.)

I rarely have visions, but the other night God gave me a look inside my heart. It was so real that I clutched my chest almost instantly, as if to somehow protect or preserve what was burning inside.. there were coals.. bright, bright, burning coals. Just coals. The kind that are almost impossible to extinguish. At first I was disappointed - no flames. No big bon-fire. No beautiful little teepee with the perfect number of pine-cones and the perfect amount of paper and pine needles.


[but] anything can produce a flame. [but] flames die.

Coals take time. They take tending. The coals aren't nearly as exciting as the flames; they aren't big nor do they produce much of a sense of exhileration. They might not draw the same crowd, but they last.

It's a new season, and when all the excitement and movement and flame dies down, how long will your coals last? how is the fire, really? It's one thing to be on fire, it's a whole other thing to burn forever.

I still don't understand.
I don't understand how one can say "nevermind" to something so life-changing, so real, so inside of us, so consuming, so wonderful, so undeserving, but I do understand that while the last three and a half years all but completely destroyed me, they were also the best years of my life thus far, and hard as they were, I would live them all over again to know what I know now: the perfectly tender love, the constantly attentive eyes of a Father who has never once left me hanging, will never leave me to wipe my own tears or fight my demons alone, and knows exactly what to do with this wrecked, ruined, fragile life. That changes everything; I'll never be the same.

January 2, 2009

The dirt between my toes.

I'm going to Ghana (!!) for two weeks in March. We're building a school...working with kids..
for a long time now I've wanted more. I've been restless, anxious, dissatisfied, hungry for the rawness of realities I've caught glimpses of but never walked in myself.

I want the dirt between my toes and those big dark eyes staring into my own, breaking my ignorance, giving names and faces and places to my dreams.. something they've never had before.

Three weeks ago I graduated from college, something I never saw happening. Not because I didn't believe I could, I never doubted that I would, but college seemed like it, over time it began to seem like the thing I would do. The people, the place- it was all that mattered while I was there. When I found out I could graduate early my heart sped up and one by one my dreams began to resurface.. that moment of realization was a gulp of air I didn't realize I wasn't taking until I took it.

I spent a half hour in the hot tub staring up into the sky, into the darkness, and I made a declaration:

My God is the God of more than enough. More than enough Love, more than enough hope, more than enough inspiration, more than enough reason, more than enough comraderie, more than enough justice, more than enough courage, more than enough mercy, more than enough compassion, more than enough grace, more than enough encouragement, more than enough strength, more than enough joy. With my God, I will lack nothing; I will never be alone. I will never have insufficient supply. Never. Not if He's my everything. Not if He's holding me, carrying me, leading me, directing me, dreaming for me, living through me.

I'll claim that. Yeah, I'll take that.

You are more than enough. You're my more than enough.

If I go to Global Awakening, or if I don't. If I sit before Him, waiting quietly for the sounds of heaven to reverberate deep within my Spirit, that I might play His heart back to Him, or if I don't. If I rub the earth of many nations between my fingers, or if I don't. If I hold many children, rocking back and forth, back and forth on the floor, or if I don't. If I see nations rise or nations fall. If I pour my life into many or into few. If I eat steak or if I eat leaves. If I see people fight or shrink back. If I write many verses or no verses. If I walk or if I run. If I am beautiful or if I am waning...
Dearly Beloved of my soul, You are more than enough.

And for me, that's enough.

"And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things, at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." -2 corinthians 9:8

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