July 12, 2009


energy is threatening to spurt out of me every which way one of these days i will able to withhold it no longer when that happens i will do something that will seem crazy to you know that while i may not know exactly what im doing i know that im doing what i need to do and ill be okay ill be better off ill understand something i didnt understand before something i need to understand in order to go any further in this life ill be more me more full more free society doesnt give enough credit to such things but they are things i cant keep shoving aside simply because they tell me i must no no i must respond thats what i must do

youll call it drastic crazy illogical idealistic unrealistic foolish you wont understand but thats okay im okay with that i wont be angry or bitter or hurt but it wont stop me either ill keep going or maybe ill already be on my way by the time you find out in which case please pass a happy thought for me or dont but dont pass a harsh one either i know im not exactly the american idol or even at all but im me and the longer i linger the more of me i lose so know that im not lingering anymore im out there im wild im free there will be bad nights and brilliant nights warm nights and lonely nights with melodies and some composed of silence i will know me finally i just might know me and ill know them and ill see life and ill become a part of something much bigger and broader than what ive believed ill have less and gain just as ive been wanting just as ive been longing

its been in me a long time but its becoming more prominent these days much louder i cant quiet it cant still it cant ask to settle down and be content i dont have plans yet i have a plan i get squirmish at the thought soon i wont be able to sleep but still i will hold my hot tea stare at the sky and be still for no matter how far i go how fast im going there will always be more to unravel in the quiet

my new life plan:

I don't want a "normal" job because nothing about normalcy appeals to me. Well, except for drinking hot tea on a comfy couch in my pj's while the sun wakes up, rubbing the sleepies out of the warming sky. That appeals to me. But other than that and the occasional steakhouse steak, I don't want normal. What I do want is a life that lets me be active and productive while exploring fresh places and encountering new people, cultures, lifestyles and ideas.
After much debate I have decided that the perfect career path for me just might be.. (hold your breath)

A professional tri-athlete.
That's right. I could workout all day, thus giving me all the endorphins I will need to get through my cold, sleepless nights living out of my beautiful blue tent. It would start out slow and painful, of course, gradually becoming fast and painful, but potentially shifting into sponsorship (Peter Pan peanut butter should probably be my first), some nice prize winnings, and races all over the world calling me night and day asking me to make an appearance. I would have to choose carefully so as not to build too great of a name for myself too quickly, but I think all in all it could be quite the endeavor, yeah?


If I only I liked biking. ;)

July 5, 2009

but i hear a song.

I'm feeling compelled to write a bit so I figured why not share it with a few people.

My soul is overwhelmed; I am full and empty at the very same time. There's a beauty I believe in, a beauty I cannot shake, and I want more than anything to get lost in it.. all day, every day. I want it to be my life.

I'm not my "successful" brother. I'm not my overachieving sister. I'm not my practical, set-for-life best friend. I'm not my endlessly working dad. I'm not.. a lot of things.

but I hear a song. It's inside of me.. deep, deep inside of me. And it wants to come out. It wants to flow out of me and be my life, not just a part of my life. It wants to carry me away with every progression and every note, be them right or wrong..

I'm not afraid to fail. I'm not afraid to take a chance. What I'm afraid of is not taking any chances; of living a reasonable, safe, typical life. It seems to work for a lot of people, a whole lot of people, actually, and there's a lot I have yet to figure out about myself..
but I know enough to know that's not the life I want. I know enough to know that life will never fullfill me, satisfy me, bring me life, "work" for me. And I really don't want it to.

With the very life of Christ pulsing through my veins, I refuse to settle for anything less than LIFE, and that to the very fullest. To settle for anything less is to forfeit the truly incredible capacity of what I believe in more than I believe in anything else.. and that's something my insides won't let me do.

"one thing i do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus..." (phil. 3:13-14)

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