soon

I don't believe I've ever felt so out of control yet so controlled.

The ship sails in 40 days! What the "ship" will look like and where she will be going are yet to be determined. But I've discovered something wonderful, and that is that I must go. The thought of driving through my country (my country..) with no place to be and no time to have to be anywhere.. the thought of paying my bills three months in advance, grabbing my passport (nothing is out of the question for this one) from the safe, filling my duffel bags with the fewest of items I might need for the journey (a girl needs a good sweater, some trustworthy spandex pants and alpaca mittens, for sure), stocking the ship (oh, I can't wait to name her!) with bulgur, wheat berries, beans, granola..

We will have a tent. We will have couchsurfing.com. We will have our books of empty pages. We will have Spanish tutorials and tapes. We will have maps (sorry GPS, you didn't win the battle for this heart). We will have hiking shoes, a video camera, sleeping bags, flashlights, and matches.

We will have time. Finally, we will have time.

It must be divine. There's no "I hope" in that. It must be divine. Every encounter, every conversation, every experience, every "wrong" way. All it would take is one conversation and I could be on my way towards something I've been holding out for, believing for (sometimes without realizing it) for what seems like a long time.

It's a little rediculous. But,

1. I need to know my country.
2. I want to find within myself a love my country that I have yet to experience.
3. I need to let this person I've discovered find out what it's here for without any specific people or place or group influencing that.
4. Jesus Christ is alive and he's moving.. I saw him in such color in Ghana, but I have to believe he's shining here too, and I want to see it.. to be a part of THE body of Christ, not just one segment of it, as it is functioning across denominations here in America.
5. It's time to give and time to take. I'll leave pieces of this heart along the way, but I'm taking pieces of others' with me as I go.

*6. In the morning when I awake I have this odd feeling that I'm not waking up in the right place. Not that it's the wrong place, but it's not the right place. I'm going to find the right place. I can no longer wait here and beckon for it to come to me.

There are moments when I panic a little. The reality of it is that there will be cold nights, days where we're filthy, hungry. The boat may break down. The people may turn their backs. The people of God may disappoint me. The maps may take us down roads we never wanted or expected to travel.
Which is why this whole darn thing needs to be divine. It has to be. Because every day that passes is another day that could have been changing someone's life, filling someone's stomach, clothing someone's back, nursing someone's wounds. Every day I'm here is another day I'm not there. And while these days sometimes seem long, they're going by all too fast. I need to get there. I need to be sitting in the dirt surrounded by dark, dusty faces. I need to be carrying hope in action to a world deprived of even the smallest of necessities.
[ignorance really was bliss.]

Across America I want to find love. I want to find people who want exactly what I want and who are willing to work for it as we find a way to do something about it.
But I need to know my own country first. I refuse to leave America resentful of what I had here. I need to be humbled and grateful, and the ugly truth is that I'm not.

And I need time to slow down so I can breathe this crisp, fresh air and let the changes it makes sink deep into my being.

(jack kerouac,
you've driven me mad!
for this i am grateful.)

I saw a red leaf today

I'm on a quest to find the beauty here in northern new york. it won't be hard to do. this place is it's own tinybutwonderous sanctuary to the realms beyond, only masquerading as the here and now. Living here all my life I'm sad to say I've begun to overlook so much of what this area has to offer. In too many ways I've traded the beauty for boredom, being frustrated and letting myself feel dull on Friday nights with "nothing to do". Oh, there is plenty to do! A few years from now I may no longer have a river to sit by, a clear sky to stare into or thousands of acres of woods to wander through. Then I'll be longing for one more day (just one more day!) back in this land of rushing waters.

Life goes fast. I'm young, but I know this much. And I'm tired of wishing I was somewhere else doing something else with some other people. Right now, I'm here, so here is where I'm going to be, knowing full-well I won't be here much longer. I want to leave knowing I know this place, and that I lived it.

"Freedom"

I wonder what I'm becoming.
Bananas and granola are the staples in my diet.
Running 9 miles no longer hurts, but helps. significantly.
Outside on a cold dark night, I am swept away. My insides get lost in the starry summer sky. It's so close. It's so, so close! I remember when it seemed so far away.. like it was yesterday.

Yesterday I would have seen what you saw and run the other way. Yesterday I would have tried my hardest to be your definition of perfect in every way. Yesterday I would fought, hard, to become something, anything. Yesterday my greatest fear was being misunderstood.

The truth is, I don't care so much anymore. I don't care what you see. I don't care how you interpret who I am or what I do. I don't care if you see me and get me totally, completely, entirely wrong. In fact, please do. It just might define me more.

People used to tell me I seemed so free, so light, so myself. I always laughed lightly, choked inside, and brushed it off, only to revisit it for hours on end later when I was alone by some body of water, in some vacant studio, some isolated field..
See, you never saw my tears. You never saw the hours and hours of shaking, sobbing, choking, aching. You never saw the struggle, the fight for my own soul, my own person, my own thoughts, feelings, dreams, desires, being.

Even the label "free-spirit" drowned out some of the most beautiful things inside of me. I bet you never would have guessed that.

It's one thing to become who they want you to be, letting that become who you are in the process.
It's another thing entirely to dig deep inside yourself, fighting past the expectations, the stereotypes, the comparisons, the presumptions and end with something unique, raw, bizarre, rare.

I want to live a life that demands questions. I don't want to be the girl you look at and say "oh yeah, well that makes sense," and if you knew me at all, even a little bit, you'd know - I'm not.

Nothing worth anything at all in my life has made sense. Nothing. Not a single thing.
I don't want my person to make sense. I don't want my life to make sense.. not what I do, not who I am, not what I believe for, not what I fight for. If it makes sense it's too easy.

Life's not that easy. No. In fact it's hard. Really, really hard.
You like answers. I don't have many. They're not that easy to come by.
But the little bit of substance I do have is enough for me.
Take that as you will.

Over Me.

Some days I'm an artist.
Some days I'm a leaf.
Some days I'm just a girl with pockets full
of sand, sea-glass, and staggered words.

I'm a recurring dream-
never leaving, never resting, always
real.
That tiny yellow bird lost in thick branches-
home.

Tell me where tell me why tell me when

or watch the raindrops join the ocean.
(today, this makes much more sense
to me)

I'm a highly influenced architect
building myself a teepee.

You can join or you can watch.

sooniwillsurf

energy is threatening to spurt out of me every which way one of these days i will able to withhold it no longer when that happens i will do something that will seem crazy to you know that while i may not know exactly what im doing i know that im doing what i need to do and ill be okay ill be better off ill understand something i didnt understand before something i need to understand in order to go any further in this life ill be more me more full more free society doesnt give enough credit to such things but they are things i cant keep shoving aside simply because they tell me i must no no i must respond thats what i must do

youll call it drastic crazy illogical idealistic unrealistic foolish you wont understand but thats okay im okay with that i wont be angry or bitter or hurt but it wont stop me either ill keep going or maybe ill already be on my way by the time you find out in which case please pass a happy thought for me or dont but dont pass a harsh one either i know im not exactly the american idol or even at all but im me and the longer i linger the more of me i lose so know that im not lingering anymore im out there im wild im free there will be bad nights and brilliant nights warm nights and lonely nights with melodies and some composed of silence i will know me finally i just might know me and ill know them and ill see life and ill become a part of something much bigger and broader than what ive believed ill have less and gain just as ive been wanting just as ive been longing

its been in me a long time but its becoming more prominent these days much louder i cant quiet it cant still it cant ask to settle down and be content i dont have plans yet i have a plan i get squirmish at the thought soon i wont be able to sleep but still i will hold my hot tea stare at the sky and be still for no matter how far i go how fast im going there will always be more to unravel in the quiet

my new life plan:

I don't want a "normal" job because nothing about normalcy appeals to me. Well, except for drinking hot tea on a comfy couch in my pj's while the sun wakes up, rubbing the sleepies out of the warming sky. That appeals to me. But other than that and the occasional steakhouse steak, I don't want normal. What I do want is a life that lets me be active and productive while exploring fresh places and encountering new people, cultures, lifestyles and ideas.
After much debate I have decided that the perfect career path for me just might be.. (hold your breath)

A professional tri-athlete.
That's right. I could workout all day, thus giving me all the endorphins I will need to get through my cold, sleepless nights living out of my beautiful blue tent. It would start out slow and painful, of course, gradually becoming fast and painful, but potentially shifting into sponsorship (Peter Pan peanut butter should probably be my first), some nice prize winnings, and races all over the world calling me night and day asking me to make an appearance. I would have to choose carefully so as not to build too great of a name for myself too quickly, but I think all in all it could be quite the endeavor, yeah?

yeah.

If I only I liked biking. ;)

but i hear a song.

I'm feeling compelled to write a bit so I figured why not share it with a few people.

My soul is overwhelmed; I am full and empty at the very same time. There's a beauty I believe in, a beauty I cannot shake, and I want more than anything to get lost in it.. all day, every day. I want it to be my life.


I'm not my "successful" brother. I'm not my overachieving sister. I'm not my practical, set-for-life best friend. I'm not my endlessly working dad. I'm not.. a lot of things.


but I hear a song. It's inside of me.. deep, deep inside of me. And it wants to come out. It wants to flow out of me and be my life, not just a part of my life. It wants to carry me away with every progression and every note, be them right or wrong..

I'm not afraid to fail. I'm not afraid to take a chance. What I'm afraid of is not taking any chances; of living a reasonable, safe, typical life. It seems to work for a lot of people, a whole lot of people, actually, and there's a lot I have yet to figure out about myself..
but I know enough to know that's not the life I want. I know enough to know that life will never fullfill me, satisfy me, bring me life, "work" for me. And I really don't want it to.

With the very life of Christ pulsing through my veins, I refuse to settle for anything less than LIFE, and that to the very fullest. To settle for anything less is to forfeit the truly incredible capacity of what I believe in more than I believe in anything else.. and that's something my insides won't let me do.

"one thing i do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus..." (phil. 3:13-14)

a cappella.

Last Friday I decided to give up music for a week.

I spend, on average, five hours a day in my car. Usually these hours turn into intense workouts for my vocal chords. Sometimes they lead me far away, sometimes deep inside myself, sometimes I become someone else. Sometimes I *holding breath* realize things. Sometimes my eyes get stuck on some distant point beyond the windshield, and I am nowhere. But whatever my state happens to be, it is indubitably affected by the music that surrounds me. I am always sensing the music. Until now I had no idea just how much.

I've gone five days without music now, and I miss it terribly. I've been forced to reckon with some things in my heart that probably wouldn't have come out had I not been sitting alone in SILENCE for 25 hours in my car. When I come home and walk in my room I am faced with thoughts and memories I've been able to hide from when the music is playing. When I write there is no tune to get me "flowing" and I'm finding out what's really "in there"...

I catch myself humming and singing songs all the time now. It's been interesting because they're songs I don't typically listen to and/or haven't heard in a really long time.. they're songs that mean something to me for right now as opposed to the songs that sound good to me right now.

Music is its own sense. For me, anyway. It's an escape, an inspiration; music gets me excited, calms me down. There's nothing bad about any of those things. But I'm realizing right now that maybe I'm missing out on some parts of me that are really quite important simply because I'm always immersing myself in music.. there's always something else to keep me interested, to keep me entertained, to keep my mind leaping from thought to thought as the tracks change from song to song. Certain songs carry certain "spirits" with them, which I so easily plug into and out of as quickly as the songs start and stop. This week it's been me.. and my own spirit.. duking it out. I've laughed. I've cried [a lot]. I've been uncomfortable, at times.

My EXITS have significantly decreased.
Uncomfortable, and good.

(Friday at 7pm I will be listening to music. Probably all night. For now, I'm exhausting myself.. and realizing a lot.)

Going.

After four days of living out of a car and sleeping in whatever bed/couch was closest, it can now be confirmed:

I am a wanderer by nature. It is in me; it is a very, very deep part of me. I can't escape it.

It just is.

I will wear my clothes all day, sleep in them, and start the next day the very same way. I will eat marshmallows roasted over the kitchen stove at midnight, and call them dinner. I will sleep on your couch, even if I barely know you. I will wander calmly through cities I do not know. I will brush my teeth in McDonald's bathrooms. I will shower at campgrounds. I will buy last week's Thomas bagels for half-price. I will fill up my water bottle at rest stops. I will paint my face in the dark. I will wrap myself in my ripped-up, aging patchwork quilt. I will knot strings around my wrists.

And I will be very, very alive.

*sigh*

Last night while sitting next to a fountain in downtown Syracuse a friend asked me where I saw myself. I tilted my head questioningly.
"like, where do you see yourself living? Do you want to live in a city, in a suburb, in the country, in Africa? Where do you want to spend your life?"
I can't answer that question unless "all of the above, plus lists and lists more" is an option. I don't want to spend my life in any one place. I don't have a dream home all perfectly structured in my mind or a certain place I want to settle down and raise my kids and establish my life...la la la.. It's nearly impossible for me to even think like that. I want to go places. I want to fall in love with a zillion people and places. I want to learn heaps and heaps from every unique, challenging situation I am in. I want my life to be such that every time I think I've figured something out, I experience something new that tears up what little I had thought I knew; to be constantly re-shaped as I am constantly re-evaluating; continually uncomfortable. Always shifting and becoming. I have no desire to just be.

It was nice to sit with someone who felt the same way. For those five hours I felt, dare-I-say, normal. And even beyond normal, I felt exceptional. I felt beautiful. I felt like I had something worth having. I felt, I honest-to-goodness felt as though what was stirring within me was what it's going to take to change the world.

To change the world you must believe in the Possibile more than you believe any of the limitations, regulations, or systems that convince us there is such a thing as "impossible". You must be willing to look rediculous. You must be willing to go without. You must be willing to fail. You must be willing to let go.

And you must know what it means to Love.

Four days sleeping in four different places
and I feel better than I've felt in a long time. It's deep inside me, which is exactly how I believe it should be.

Bits.

Sometimes I think life would be easier if it came in bits.

I'm in the process of switching from coffee (which I cut down to one small cup a day) to tea-bag chai. My new morning beverage routine is as follows:

Fill tea pot. Put tea pot on stove. Turn on stove. Retrieve large ceramic mug from cupboard. Retrieve chai tea bag from cupboard. Sit on stool. Stare into open space spinning nonsensical thoughts through murky mind. Hear a hiss. Pour hot water into ceramic mug while holding the tea bag so it doesn't sink. Watch tea bag bob in the waves of the freshly poured water. Bob tea bag when the waves stop. Add large spoonful of local honey to hot tea. Add milk to hot tea.

I enjoy everything about this far more than in my previous life when I enjoyed my hot cups of coffee. A friend once told me my tea tasted like leaves. Well friend, yes, yes it does a bit doesn't it.

I happen to really like leaves.

Which makes spring a little sad. All the leaves are in brown mushy layers on the ground.
Where I lay and stare at the clouds after running barefoot in a field I just discovered on the very top of a gigantic hill in the center of a city. Everything about it is perfect. Individuals, no doubt claiming disability, are picnicing just over the hill; old men and women (truly disabled) sit in their cars memorizing the view.

My insides are calmer than they have been since I feasted on that red dirt. Something is happening inside of me, and it's good. Really good. I think it helps to let go. It sucks, but it helps.