Day 6 (Princeton, NJ)

I thought once I started this trip I would transfer the majority of my blogging over to our joint blog (posted below) but alas, I will not. I will be writing on the other blog too, but this one still will hold the majority of the deep things God is doing in me. The other will tell of where we've been and what we've been doing in the natural. There will be some alley-ways to my heart, but most of those will be right here.

So Where to Begin..

I knew this trip was going to be both intense and wonderful, I just didn't know how extreme those two experiences would be when they collided with one other. It is intense. And it is wonderful. There have been moments when I've caught myself asking if I can handle this for three months and moments when I've lost all sense of time and place and been so thoroughly content.

It's been a long time since I haven't been in a place of leadership/serving. I didn't expect to notice the absence of that so much after only 6 days. Suddenly I can really sense where I am in the Spirit, which is something I've been struggling with and fighting through since last December. It's been so difficult for me to figure out where I really am... where my heart is.. where God's heart for me is.. and now I sense I'm in a position where I might be able to receive from Him whatever it is He so desires for me to take away. It's so strange for me to be responsible for no one but myself. It's so unusual.. so odd for me to be able to place myself in a situation and think only of how this particular thing is impacting me, affecting me. It's going to take some getting used to. Without realizing it I became so used to approaching every situation and every person with a "what might they need that I will be able to offer" mentality. I almost think my life became a search for how I could help and support every one around me, no matter what kind of hit my own life would take because of that. (note: i realize this is not a bad thing, but right now in order to get out of this experience everything i need to, i need to lay this mentality to rest for a while).

SO, I'll be writing in here as I open myself up to experiencing life a little differently. Already my eyes have been opened and little areas within my soul have been awakened. In all honesty, my spirit is hungry. Really, really hungry. But I know God looks upon me, I know He sees my earnest hunger, and I know even now He's reaching into the manna of Heaven, fully intending to satisfy this aching spirit.

I intend to receive.

Next Exit: USA

www.CallinItLife.blogspot.com

in case you want to follow us ;)

A Burst of Blue.

Two weeks from today I will be waving farewell to my hometown as I begin my three month journey around/across the US! It may be the craziest thing I've ever done, but I have a feeling it also just might be the healthiest.

I am drawn to the extreme. I am compelled by the rediculous. I get jittery when I think about possibilities, potentials. Hearing about someone else's experience makes me ache.. I want to experience it myself. I know enough now to know that unless I do, I really cannot claim to know anything at all about whatever it might be. Reading books is good, but they only make me want to experience what I've just read on my own. Seeing photographs is good, but they make my eyes and my insides itch to be in it myself. I've been called curious, which is probably true. But my drive really doesn't come from curiosity or a need to be in the know. What I need is to understand. This need for experience undoubtedly stems from the desire to live an authentic life. Forming opinions, desires, dreams even from someone else's experiences lacks a degree of authenticity I don't want to live without. How can I speak of someone as a statistic, of a country as a shape on a map, of a people group as a stereotype or a study?

This is the very reason I am so compelled to get to know my God ever-increasingly more. I'm not satisfied hearing other people's stories of His goodness, His faithfulness, His kindness, His love. Sure they inspire, but I need to experience these attributes for myself. If I don't, I really have no idea who He is.

All of this to say I'm taking this trip for many reasons, but the greatest of the many is that I might encounter: myself, my country, my fellow Americans, and my God. To zip from coast to coast in two weeks would entirely defeat the purpose of this trip. I must go slow. I must take the time to absorb and reflect upon every conversation, observation and experience until each one has settled deep inside of me. I must take pieces of America with me as I go, and I must find a way to leave pieces of myself in the form of blessings along the way. I need to be more in-tune with myself, with the air, with the sounds, with the Spirit, with my God. Separated from any "group", any responsibility, any obligation, any specific place, what will my heart feel? What will I long for? Where will the winds of the Spirit blow me? And how will I respond? I need to find this out.. because when I'm home I long for home, when I'm in Africa I long for Africa, when I'm at Brockport, I long for Brockport. (etc. etc.)
But I have a feeling God has something to say to me that boundaries have rendered me unable to hear.

---

I think part of what's making me so ready right now is the realization that I might not be ready. There is no limit to what these months could bring. Nothing would surprise me. But I'm ready to be caught off-guard, to be wow-ed, to be disappointed, to "not be ready". I've realized sometimes it's impossible to be ready, and sometimes it's okay not to be ready.

Ready or not,
two weeks from today I'm off!

Sweet Wind*

The last three days have led me to a place more real than the most real places I had known before. Nothing "happened", but oh.. something is happening.. something that's been a long time in coming, something I've been smelling and sensing and longing for but refusing to let in, something I've known existed but haven't been able to relax enough to allow my inner-being to access and explore.

My insides feel soft, but it's different than the soft of the past. I feel soft as in surrendered, soft as in helpless, which has led to honesty, soft as in broken to the point of wholeness. I have been awakened to a deeper revelation of truth.

And all I want is to sit here with my Maker and absorb it.. more and more and more.. because I know there's so much more.

I'm reaching for wholeheartedness. I think that's what I've been doing all along, only I've grown confused by the many pulls on my heart that have taken me in a dozen different directions, asking me for my entire life. There are so many things I would give my life for. So many people and so many places that deserve every ounce my being, and more. But my God.. all He really wants is my whole heart. And He wants it for Himself. If I could accomplish one thing in this life it would be this: to follow hard after the very heartbeat of Jesus Christ Himself.. with abandonment.. with my whole heart; to feel His heart beat every day.

Me, with my ear pressed to His chest.
Me, with my small arms wrapped about His neck.

I have a new respect for His presence and His Spirit; a new sense of Holiness and what it means to walk into a place where He rests. His Beauty, His Goodness, His Righteousness, His Grace, His love - it's Holy, as I am not. But He makes me Beautiful, He makes me Good, He makes me Righteous, He calls me Beloved..
This Holiness that so far outweighs my filth takes all words from my tongue. I have nothing left to say, only to ask Him to feel this heart.. feel this heart as it feels the weight of Your Glory, for I am so small here with You and yet I feel a queen in the most desirable, majestic Kingdom.

My King, My King..

And the world rushes on, but finally, finally I can stand and say No World, No Pressure, you can't have me. Because I'm going somewhere amazing with the Creator of the Universe. He's captaining a ship that's about to brave some crazy waters, and I'm on board. I'm looking out at the sea, taking in the danger, the excitement, the beauty, the vastness, the mystery, the possibility, and all I feel is peace and assurance. He has me, hah!

He Has Me.

What I Find Satisfying

Teaching 12 year-olds how to work hard [and consequently watching them slowly but surely catch The Running Bug].
Untying a 17lb. bag of oats to begin work on a monster batch of granola [and sampling said granola at each of the four stages of its creation].
Sitting cross-legged on the couch with a hot cup of tea writing a letter to a friend I have not seen in months [and expressing myself so honestly that I sign the letter having felt as though they were right there with me the entire time].
Running 12 miles on a crisp autumn day [and feeling as though I could have run more].
Walking into a dark church, fumbling around to the sound booth, turning on the system, removing my shoes, and playing the piano [under the dimmest of lights, with only the dainty hum of electronics].
Hiking through trees [under, over, around], trees, and more trees, chasing the sound of rushing water [when I arrive, I will sit very still and refuse to move until I have lost all sense of time].
When you're hurting, I want to help you.
When days are dull, I want to dance until we've touched new life.

And one day after day after day I will feel every muscle relax as I slide beneath layers of patchwork quilts after a physically, emotionally, spiritually exhausting day [and know that this, THIS! is life].

Goodbye September!

Today America paid me .55/mile and $12.25/hour to drive 220 miles (6 hours) through the heart of the Adirondack park. Needless to say, it was absolutely beautiful. The Grace Mobile only had one minor malfunction. So minor, in fact, that I don't have any idea what went wrong. She decided to reverse when trying to pull out of a parking spot rather than "Drive" as I so commanded her. After a short, sweet pep-talk she was back to her normal rumbling self. If that's the worst she does, we'll be just fine.

I have increasing confidence in three things after todays rendezvous:

Grace just might be the ship after all.
I may not go entirely nuts sitting still in cramped quarters for long trecks across states.. as long as there's something refreshing to look at.
Right turn or wrong turn, I'm going to make it.

p.s. it snowed today in old forge. Large Fluffy Flakes Laughed at me for ten minutes straight.
I daresay, it's finally starting to seem like the right season.

As Of Today:

My AmeriCorps NCCC application's status has upgraded to "Under Review". (Eight weeks ago I gave up all hope of ever hearing back from them.) Doesn't this just add a little color to the spectrum of life!

I am a registered Couch Surfer. Try not to be too jealous.

I feel organized? [strange.]

There is a deep inner peace. Because once again I thought I could plan something on my own only to find that, believe it or not, I could not. Life seldom goes as planned.

=)

I am officially a WWOOF member until September 28, 2010.

Bring it on, America.

My hands are cold.

I feel like I missed a season somewhere. Really, I have no desire to be melodramatic about this or make it into some deep metaphorical reflection of time spent and time lost and la la la, which is why I've been hesitant to allow myself to acknowledge this "feeling", but it keeps popping up in my thoughts. When I see the changing leaves and feel the burning fall air I am perplexed. Even as I stare at the colorful trees I am generally so eager to welcome and bundle up in the fantastic layers I anticipate pulling out every year, I feel so thrown off; I missed a season somewhere.
Maybe it has something to do with the shortage of hot summer days, or the fact that I no longer have the academic year with which to map out my months, or the fact that my day-to-day life has been all over the map (literally) these past nine months. Like I said, the thought of making this any deeper than it needs to be actually makes me feel a little sick.. but even metaphorically, have I missed a season?? Did I miss something I was supposed to do? Learn? Experience? Did I miss some great moment that was supposed to be a part of my life?

I missed something. Not because I was too busy, but because I was unaware. That's a really nauseating feeling.

These Three Things

Africa.

America.

Worship.

I will expound upon them later. For now, I just had to write them down.